my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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