im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
