i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
