ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
