dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
That's when you crack a 10am beer
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
