By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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