Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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