At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
