i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
