I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
