Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
