***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
