i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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