I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
