am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
