He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
