I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
