he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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