MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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