I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
