i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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