I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
