Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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