Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
