dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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