I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
