my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
