remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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