I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
