I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
