haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
