ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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