I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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