Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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