can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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