This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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