I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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