I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
