mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
