I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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