I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
