When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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