oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
