i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
