In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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