Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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