Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
