and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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