You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is the prime rib incident all over again
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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