the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
