it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
