mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
