This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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