What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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