I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize