**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
