Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
