Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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