I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
