i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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