I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
