I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
