Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
